the gray area

In eighth grade I got cut from the girls basketball team. When Coach Ickes called me into the conference room to give me my fate he told me something along the lines of: "when you're out there you're either everywhere trying to get the ball....or nowhere." I think outwardly I was probably a little stunned and hurt (to be honest, failing is not something that I do often, or well) but internally I was basically making this face. Because you guys, he. was. right. When I felt like I had the energy to go hard and get the ball, I really went for it. But when I was feeling a little blase I just hid among the throng, daydreaming about getting home and watching Saved by the Bell. Little did I know that in 1999 Coach Ickes had basically summed up how I would approach fitness and working out for most of my adult life. Because consistently, throughout my twenties and now early thirties, I have either been all in, or not in at all.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason that people act in this manner (me included, clearly) is because we live in an era of extremes. Think about it: when you consider your political beliefs, your diet habits, your health choices, whatever -- you are practically forced to check a box. Republican or democrat. Vegan or paleo. Smoker or non-smoker. Active or lethargic. Somewhere along the line, I feel like that amazing thing called "gray area" got lost. And the fitness programs of today? They are black and white, seven days a week, stick to the eating plan, no ifs, ands, or buts.

The thing is, I'm a gray area person; I dislike extremes of any kind. But when it comes to health and fitness I've been trying to fit myself into this era of black and white for years. Here is how it typically goes: I decide that I am not looking or feeling my best and dedicate myself to a workout and eating routine. For two to three weeks, I meal plan, stick to my workouts and show incredible restraint during the weekends. Then, I falter; I miss a workout, I have a glass of wine on a Tuesday night, I just can't resist that baked good that someone set out on the tables at work. And suddenly, I'm off the rails. Since I didn't adhere completely, might as well not adhere at all, right? Is it just me?

In terms of body-image I will tell you that there is nothing more sobering than being postpartum.You go to bed one night with a cute belly that matches your (maybe slightly larger than normal) frame, and wake up the next morning with a deflated belly and lots of weight in places that it was not before. After being cleared for working out you decide that you're not looking or feeling your best and dedicate yourself to a workout and eating routine...only to realize that you don't control the schedule anymore. That night that you were going to meal plan? Your adorable newborn wanted to cluster-feed. That half hour you were going to take to work out? He would only nap if you held him. That hour when you finally did have time? You really just needed to sleep. It can be a really challenging time. And for me, it's also been a really eye-opening time.

On a much larger level, becoming a mom forced me to reconsider my priorities and find some semblance of balance. I'm the same person with a similar set of responsibilities as before...only now there is this new little person who takes up so much of who I am. And while I could probably go on and on about that, this post is about health and fitness and suffice it to say, for many months it was extremely low on the list of priorities. My horrible postpartum joints made working out uncomfortable, finding the time was difficult because Bodhi's naps were unpredictable and often short and my diet contained way too much sugar (did anyone else have like zero cravings until after their baby was born?!). But recently I was reminded that being the best version of myself includes prioritizing my own wellness and I finally felt ready to start again. Only this time, I knew the black and white programs of today were never going to cut it.

So this time, instead of adhering to a regimen I just gave myself some weekly goals. For anyone interested, I put them below. Obviously there are going to be days and weeks when things don't work out. But building some gray-ce (see what I did there?) into the routine and shifting my mindset from regimen to goals has made the biggest difference for me. A regimen is a have-to; a goal is want-to. It seems too simple -- but it's working. I'm sticking with it better this time, enjoying it more and still seeing results from a weight loss standpoint. I guess the gray area has its perks.

-For working out: four workouts per week (in addition to any walks that we take); two must be high intensity, one must be an arm day (personal goal for me), one can be active recovery (like yoga)
-For diet: three 32 oz containers of water daily, a healthy breakfast and lunch, a standard dinner (it would be too difficult to make multiple meals) and "real" dessert only 1-2 times on the weekend (during the week I'll have a couple of squares of dark chocolate and some vanilla tea after dinner)
-For mind: meditate every day; 5 minutes at least (this is a non-negotiable for me)

What are your tips for staying on track? I'd really love to hear.

Photo of Mindy Lahiri via