As I was making dinner on Saturday night, the kids were in the living room watching The Loud House and I was listening in. The airing episode was one in which Mama Loud ends up getting a few too many parking tickets and has to do community service. She shows up on the designated Saturday, does her work quickly and efficiently, and then has nothing to do for the remainder of her hours of service that day. Since she can't leave, she sits down under a shady tree and proceeds to enjoy the day.....alone. She ends up enjoying her time so much that she begins to intentionally accrue other small violations in order to get more alone time. This continues for six or seven days until a policeman comes knocking on the door and says she is going to have to do jail time because her list of twelve or so small violations over the course of a week is now considered a crime spree.
I laughed at line after line in this absurd episode, but I also found myself identifying and sympathizing with the crime-happy Mrs. Loud a little bit. I mean really, the woman has eleven kids, works as a dental assistant and is writing a novel in her spare time. Of course she needs some time alone. And look at what she resorted to in order to get it!
This topic of being alone is something that comes up in conversation within my circles of friends often enough for me to repeatedly give it some pretty good thought. We women tend to wear quite a few hats: wife, mother, friend, employee, volunteer, cook, maid, keeper-of-the-schedule, chauffeur, etc. When do we ever stop and take some time for ourselves to pursue a hobby or read a book or maybe even get a little extra sleep?! I need that time to rest and recharge (and knit all the sweaters), and I don't know about you, but most days, the only time I am alone is early in the morning and on my commute to work. For some women, this is an ideal situation - people at every turn whether it's family at home, coworkers at the office or team parents at soccer practice. But for an introvert like me, being constantly surrounded by people is exhausting. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE spending time with my good friends and being in community, but if I don't have time to recharge alone I start to get a little punchy.
Now, you may be thinking, "But Chelsey, what about weekends? Surely you have some time alone on weekends now that the kids are older."
You would think so, wouldn't you? But let me gently remind you, dear reader, that I have a
This. This is my reality when I sit down on the couch for a hot second on a weeknight or for a little knitting on the weekends. You may think this is an exaggeration, but I have plenty of people who can vouch for me on this. It's real and I love her and want to spend time with her... but it can also be a struggle given that I am a person who greatly values personal space and the occasional few minutes alone.
So for the past month or so, I have been seriously searching my days for some extra pockets that I could turn into time alone, lest I suddenly decide that the only way to get it is by going on a crime spree a la Mama Loud. What that looks like for me these days is getting up at 5am (necessary given the 6:45am middle school bus pick-up...ugh), volunteering to drive the soccer carpool 3-4 nights a week and then popping in my headphones for a nice long walk, getting outside for a quick power walk at work, and staying up later than I probably should, given the 5am alarm.
But a week or two ago, something that has been rolling around and around in my mind finally came into sharp focus. I have been wondering why this alone time that I have purposely built into my days doesn't seem to be helping me to recharge the way I had hoped. What I realized is this: I am sabotaging my own alone time. As it turns out, for me it's about more than just being alone. It's also about being quiet.
When I say "quiet" I don't just mean a lack of sound. What I mean, and what feels nearly impossible for me to accomplish, is a lack of thought in my brain. Silence. When I sit down alone, I am immediately bombarded by thoughts of dinner prep and schedules and meetings and family members and friends and worries and blah blah blah blah blah. When I go for a long walk during soccer practice, I pop in my headphones and listen to music or a book or a podcast. My brain is constantly full of stuff, not silence.
A new friend that I have been learning from and spending a little bit of time with on a monthly basis for the past several months, sent me an article* about this very thing a couple weeks ago. The title of the piece is "Facing the Fear of Solitude." Um, fear of solitude? Fear? No, I am definitely not afraid of solitude. I need MORE solitude in fact. But the article resonated with me in ways that I wasn't expecting.
There is so much to say about this, but for me it boiled down to one particular smacked-me-in-the-face sentence:
"In the very act of retreat we resign as CEO of the universe."
When I read that sentence, a couple things happened at once. First, a light bulb popped up over my head. Second, I felt like I got hit over the head with a 2x4. That's me! CEO of the universe!
The hard truth behind that statement is that the reason some people fear time alone and being quiet (or why people continue to unknowingly sabotage their hard-fought-for time) is because being the self-appointed CEO of the universe makes us feel important. It makes us feel needed. It makes us feel loved. Maybe you can relate. I know I can. For eleven years, my identity has been wrapped up in being a mom and doing all the things for both of our kids. And now that they're getting older and require less physical hands-on time and help, and without a career to go back to, I have found myself wondering where exactly that leaves me. Of course I am and always will be a mother. But my thoughts have shifted as far as being wrapped up in that identity alone. I've finally emerged from the haze of that all-consuming season of early motherhood. Maybe for you, it's emerging from the haze of an all-consuming job or relationship. Being alone and quiet forces me to step back as the person-who-does-all-the-things and just be me. Maybe I was afraid of what I would find when all of that was stripped away. Maybe you are, too.
As I have brought these thoughts into my alone time over the last couple of weeks, and attempted to increasingly practice the art of listening to the sound of silence (something that is going to take A LOT more practice) I have noticed that I'm more relaxed and calm and ready to handle whatever comes my way. Even more importantly, I realized that I don't have to be the CEO of the universe to be important. I don't have to be the CEO of the universe to be needed. I don't have to be the CEO of the universe to be loved. I already am all of those things. And you are, too.
It can be so easy to get wrapped up in the responsibilities and worries and to-dos of the day and forget to stop and be grateful, to say thank you, to find a few minutes to be alone and be quiet. But as I am increasingly figuring out, the best way to get through all of those responsibilities and worries and to-dos, is to take a little time throughout the day to first stop and be grateful. First stop and say thank you. First stop and be quiet. It's amazing the difference in my day when I use my time alone to resign as CEO of the universe and just be quiet.
*To read the article, click here
<3 Beautifully articulated!
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